Toxic Parents

After reading the post (below) by a NS man, I do wanna voice out my own experience.

I’ve my fair share with toxic parents for decades, and still dealing with it on my own way. Most importantly, I’ve learnt from them as bad examples to not become one of them as to my own kid.

Not to mention that someone still so ignorant and blames every single thing 怨天怨地 but not herself. Even my dad’s passing few years ago due to lung cancer was my fault as I was the assigned person to pull the plug after 12 hours of brain death. I tolerated this accusation with unresponsiveness.

To put it bluntly , I’ve learnt to ignore her. Yes. She is my mum and still is. But my responsible now is simply to provide a roof, meals and some other what not. The only thing lacking is loving relationship which I won’t give, can’t give as there is nothing built on that to begin with.

I am fighting hard myself not to hate which itself already pretty exhaustive. I’ve played my part and hopefully she plays nice for the remaining years.

Anyway, I am not asking for advice either.

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NUSWhispers July 14 at 10:28 AM ·
Hi everyone, I’m currently serving NS but I’ve been accepted to NUS so i hope it’s okay if i post my experience on toxic masculinity here. (Don’t worry it’s not an army-bashing post)

My parents, like most love me very much. They would always check up on my studies, ask if i need money when going out and gave their 110% to support me when enlisting (i.e calling me at night, picking me up from Pasir Ris, buying me snacks for the week). However, they had a shortcoming which only manifested itself after i POP-ed - Elitism.

I didn’t perform very well for my BMT which meant that i got a posting in a non-combat vocation, specifically a logistics quartermaster. So incase you weren’t aware, there are the 4 perceived “Hero” vocations that are seen as the most elite in the eyes of my parents - Guards, CDO, OCS(Not rly a vocation but status symbol nonetheless , NDU). When my parents were always going on about how I have to go to a “Hero” vocation and were absolutely crestfallen when they had heard about my posting. Connections were called and requests were written to various places (All behind my back).

And when those efforts proved fruitless, it was when i realised how toxic they could be when it came to my masculinity. I was berated for being in a 姑娘 vocation which was meant for “useless” people. They encouraged me to lie during family gatherings to avoid embarrassment. I had stopped receiving emotional support from them (Calls, rides, a simple “how was your day”). On days were i had offs or half days, i would be greeted with a “why are you home so early” rather than a welcome home. They would compare me with my cousins and ask why I was not able to live up to the standards of the family.

One time they said that i would not get any inheritance from them because a “姑娘” does not need money as she is not the breadwinner of the family. That last one really hit close to home as i have never, nor will i ever ask and pry about money let alone family inheritance so for them to think that I was eyeing their money was really heartbreaking to me.

They recently informed me that they won’t be attending my specialist graduation parade which was really what drove me to craft this post. Mum, Dad I love you both and should the time come, I would die for you. Is that not enough to constitute what a “man” should be.

Anyway I’m not here to ask for advice, I’m dealing with it on my own. I just wanted to let future parents know what I’m going through and should you have a son in the near future, I hope you guys won’t adopt the same mindset as my parents. It really hurts.

- #65932: https://www.nuswhispers.com/confession/65932